Tuesday, June 16th, 2020
Yesterday I received another seemingly random text from my brilliant friend, second one in four days. Rather than a statement about the status of the virus this one was a notion on what might kill him first with a number of options listed. No question, just a statement about him. Emotions got the better of me and I went off on an angry rant last night after quietly fuming during the day. I of course should not have pressed the send button, but I did. Rereading it in the morning I feel terribly mean spirited as to what and how I wrote; it was a pretty heartless response. However, I was not less angry, which begs the question: Why am I so mad? Afterall, the text was just about his health and concerns. I am concluding I feel hurt and what hurts me, is the sense that how I am, what we may have been up to for the last three months, is of no interest. While compassion seems to be expected of me, his message reads as if he could not care less about me.
Not wanting to make excuses, but do need to reflect why I exploded; driving me to send such a mean response.
The last three months have not been easy for anyone. I do my best to stay positive, try to find the good things, despite being in this all alone with a young adult. And make no mistake, this young adult is an awesome person, providing entertainment, comfort and love, but for her as much as for anyone it is important to be strong, be an example. She is my child, not my partner afterall. There are my friends to whom I talk regularly about life, what concerns me, what I worry about. But at the end of it, I still deal with all challenges and make all decisions alone, with life revolving around the house even more so.
Also, there have been many emotional moments when it would have been nice to have someone to relate to, maybe bounce ideas around, get some advice, but also comfort and hope:
There was for instance the time back in April when I went through all the motions and emotions of preparing for the eventuality of dying, caused by a sore throat. With it came vision of an orphan, dieing alone in some US hospital etc..
There were times when I was stressing about work or not knowing if I will ever see my mum again. Not knowing when and how this will end is depressing, but we carry on, try to make the best of it.
Those were moments when I might have appreciated my brilliant friend admittedly I did not even try to reach out, expecting there would not be a response anyway, seeing he has his life with those close to him.
My friends, acquaintances, colleagues, all of us try to stay in touch, reach out and check in once in a while on how things are going. Given the inability for physical contact, keeping in touch through phone, mail text, etc. has become so much more important and is the only means we have at our disposal as an expression of caring. If then a person I care about, maybe even more than I should, does not seem to be caring about me in any way, it hurts and during these emotionally stressful times it hurts even more. And when I am hurt, I tend to strike out with a vengeance. Mostly, I manage to controll my fury and by writing it of, just never sending. I find writting carthegic, which is the main reason this blog in times of COVID-19 even exists. It is a way for me to organize my thoughts.
Sometimes, just sometimes, am beyond control of my emotions and is when I actually send what I write to the recepient of my thoughts. Rhe terrible thing with words, once out, they cannot be taken back. And written is infinitely worse than spoken as there is no body language. I did send a text this am expressing my remorse about the tone, but I do not expect it to change anything or forgiveness. I will now spend a few days beating myself up over pushing someone I appreciate and like away, for hurting someone I care about.
It is not the first time this happened, and my brilliant friend has been on the receiving end of my fury once before, a year ago. From that experience I should know that ranting is completely useless. Just because I have a notion of what human behavior or interaction between people who care about each other should be like or is like with all the other people in my life, there are people who are just different in their concept of caring and I know my brilliant friend is one of them. While the IQ of a genius, the EQ is located somewhere on the opposite end of the scale. There are just people who seem to “care“ in a way not recognizable to those around them. They cannot fathom how hurtful the abscence of an action can be. It does not make them bad people, it just frustrates and hurts those who want to be cared about in maybe a more conventional way. It is more of an inability to find the right words or gestures or whatever it is that expresses compassion. Knowing this I should of course not get so mad, but here we are.
Am feeling very remorseful at my harshness, and the more I think on it, the more I feel like I have been kicking someone who maybe down already instead of caring, or rather caring more about others than myself. No second chances, I guess. As a result am rather depressed today, fitting with the stormy winds that raged all day and the news does nothing to cheer me up. If anything it is disconcerting.
The administration has now decided to move into denial as far as the virus is concerned, claiming the country is doing better than the media is making them believe. The numbers do not support this. Today 8.1 million cases are reported worldwide of which 2.18 million are in the USA, 18k more than yesterday, which does not suggest an improvement.