Thursday, February 11th, 2021
Today I lashed out at EM as I am feeling rather hurt.
Ever since our return form Germany she is holed up in her room or seeing the BF. And no, I am not jealous at the BF. Our interactions are limited to a fifteen-minute conversation over lunch, helping with her schoolwork or me reacting to whatever emotional crisis happens to prevail. We have had two evenings where we watched Lucifer. Otherwise she is doing her thing I am doing mine. No talking, no joint outings like neighborhood walks, no nothing. She barely remembers her chores, leave alone informing me of changes in plans.
It all started yesterday. We had a plan to jointly do the grocery run which EM cancelled last minute. Returning home from the pool I found the house locked and empty. No note or text about plans. When I called, I was informed she would be home by 20:00 as she was hanging with the BF.
Well, she did not come home, and she did not even have the courtesy to let me know of her change in plans. I sat waiting at home like an idiot. And of course, I freaked. I sent her messages as well as to the mother of the BF. As a result, I was given the silent treatment this am.
Of course, she can opt to do that as long as she can take the response. And clearly, she could not. At noon today I blew my top. I go out of my way to be understanding. I realize the school situation is stressful. I understand that the IAs due require a lot of focus and attention. And I am proud of the work she is putting in, doing her best, which is why I do not insist on her doing her share in the housework.
I quietly (most of the time) do all that needs to be done. I have a fulltime job; nonetheless, I will replenish the toilette paper in all of our bathrooms, load and unload the dishwasher, do the laundry and cook a meal for us every day in addition to a million other small chores here and there. However, I feel there is no recognition for any of this. Even the few things I ask of her either result in a frown or are just forgotten. Tasks are only half completed. Like unpacking the groceries – how hard is it to finish the task and put the bags where they belong?
I understand that plans can change, but why do you forget to let me know of changes in plans? To me that this akin to forgetting I exist. Ignorant of the fact that I may be waiting. I go out of my way to help and make sure there are some pleasures in life. I buy and cook food EM likes. I go out and get her a Valentine balloon and flowers, I arrange for a photo shoot on Valentines day for her and the BF. What do I get in return? She forgets I exist. Do I have a note on my forehead saying “abuse me please”?
I have joined a number of committees to ensure she has a graduation and a prom experience. I want her to have good memories of her senior year. Currently I have no idea why I should be wasting my time on any of these. Clearly it does not matter to her.
Anyway, I erupted at noon today as I was making lunch after not having been spoken to when she came home last night or this morning; after she did not come down while she knew I was cooking lunch. I feel like I am just the servant keeping things going. As if there is no need for any form of human interaction and I told her as much. Maybe not told, I angrily hurled the words at her. Since then she has been feeling miserable, I know, but she has locked herself into her room. This is no way to deal with conflict. She will need to come up with a plan on how to remedy the situation.
Yes, she is stressed with school. Yes, this is all difficult, but I am only human too. Like this situation is getting to me. No one ever asks about my emotional status. How I feel about being couped up with a teen, unable to see friends, go to the dojo or date.
And that is sort of okay, seeing I am the adult, but some consideration for other people’s feelings would be welcome. Currently I feel Like I am running a one guest hotel. This needs to change.
Going forward there will be some changes in this house. The BF is welcome to come and hang here, but meetings during the week outside of this house will be limited to on exactly one with a clear return time. Weekends shall be discussed.
I understand the need to get out. EM is free to go swim in the evenings with N. or ride a bike with someone or see A. Though going forward, I shall require a time when she will be home, and I expect that she adheres to it or calls if for whatever reason she cannot. Also, I expect that we will spend family time. She must do this for another five months, thereafter she is off to some university somewhere and this phase of cohabitating is over . Forever. And other people can deal with the lack of common courtesy.
I feel extremely hurt and when I am hurt, I lash out in anger. And yes, I am very angry and very hurt, because clearly I am just a servant to her.